How to practice self care when caring for a loved one with a mental illness

When you board a flight, you are always given safety instructions. “In case of an emergency, oxygen masks will drop down in front of you. Please put your mask on before helping others.” The logic - If you are out of breath, you won’t be able to help anyone else. The same premise applies to our everyday lives. Self-care is essential not only for your own well-being, but especially if you have a loved one who is going through a rough time and needs greater emotional support from you.

Here is how to take care of yourself when you are the primary caregiver to someone with a mental illness or going through an emotionally challenging time:

Do not blame yourself or take on unnecessary guilt:

It is natural to sometimes think of the 'what ifs' and replay all the things we did or did not do; That somehow we could have stopped this, done more, or that maybe we caused this. It is important that you know, their condition is not your fault. Causes of mental illness are much more complicated than something you may have said or done and sometimes identifying it may also be challenging. What is important is that you are supporting them now.

Do not take everything they say to heart:

Having a mental illness can change one's perception and affect the way we think and perceive things. As such, it is possible that one may express thoughts and feelings that are quite hurtful. Often times, it is the illness speaking and not your loved one. Remind yourself of this when they say unbearable things.

Do not discount your feelings:

Having said the above, you matter too, and so do your thoughts and feelings. Knowing where they are coming from does not justify their hurtful words or take away the pain that you experience. It is important to acknowledge and address your feelings as well.

Speak up for yourself:

While you understand their circumstance, it is important to express yourself too. Talk to them about how you feel and if anything they are doing or saying is bothering you. Be assertive while being empathetic and avoiding blame.

Keep a check on your own mental well-being:

It is possible to start mirroring mental illness or negative moods and thoughts when you are close to it for long periods of time. Be aware and keep a periodic check on whether this is happening.

Set boundaries:

You cannot be a caregiver all the time. It will take a toll on you. Clearly understand and express what you can and cannot do. Remember, you are NOT their therapist; you do not need to take on that responsibility. If needed you can help them identify other support systems they can turn to when you are not available.

Know when to let go / step back:

If you feel they are not at all receptive, or that being there for them is taking its toll on you, take a step back. You can only do so much as an external support. Healing can only truly happen when one is open to it.

Seek support:

It can be challenging to be a care-giver. Talk to someone, join a support group, or meet with a counselor. It is important to address your own emotional needs as well.

Keep on living your life:

It is easy for a care-giver to get carried away with the concern for the person and make them the whole and sole focus of your life. Remember, it is ok to live your life away from them as well. In fact, it is important to do so for your own well-being. Continue with your work, social life, and things that give you peace and joy.