A few weeks ago, I was asked a question - What is “toxic positivity?”. I took a pause. The term has been so popularly used, that I was not used to this question in a while. And yet, at a time when our country was going through such a severe crisis and time of loss and struggle, it was an incredibly relevant question for an extremely prevalent concept and concern. Toxic positivity was visible in Whatsapp groups, on social media, in conversations among families and friends, even in our responses to grieving acquaintances or loved ones, and very often even in therapy sessions.
So, what is toxic positivity? Let’s simplify it. Toxic positivity is basically a positive attitude that has become ‘toxic’. Doesn’t help much, right? What is needed to understand toxic positivity is that we first understand the true meaning of the word ‘toxic’. Once we achieve this, we will be able to understand more easily not only toxic positivity, but toxicity in other contexts such as relationships, leadership, masculinity, etc.
If you search for images on ‘toxic’ the page is flooded with yellow triangular warning signs with the skull and bones image that represents death, screaming as they were - “stay away, danger!” The word toxic is defined as ‘being poisonous.. especially capable of causing serious injury’. The nature of something that is toxic is to overpower/ infiltrate other substances or entities around it even at the cost of their destruction. Something that is toxic does not allow for growth, healing, peaceful co-existence. It demands dominance and infiltrates, sometimes very subtly, into everything around it.
Now bringing back this understanding of toxicity to toxic positivity, we have: ‘a positive attitude that does not leave space for anything apart from positivity and dismisses any thoughts, speech, feelings, experiences that do not align with the positivity of the carrier’. In simple words, when my need to be positive squashes or dis-allows your actual feelings and experiences. It could be as subtle as an Insta post that says “Everything is ok, I am healthy, my family is healthy,” when loved ones all around have been ill, dying, or losing their family members. Or something more direct like the commonly used line when someone dies, “Don’t be sad, they are in a better place and are not suffering.” What these statements do is dismiss our reality, what we are going through, and how we are feeling. It demands that we put aside our experiences and accept this alternate reality which does not really match what we are living through.
So why is this so bad? Shouldn’t it be a good thing to always switch our perception to being positive? NO! First of all, positivity is over-glorified. It is not humanly possible to only be ‘positive’ and have ‘positive emotions’ ALL the time. If this was the case, the ‘negative emotions’ would not have existed to begin with would they? The word positive itself would be pointless if there was no negative. Yet toxic positivity thrives for positivity without any negativity.
Emotions exist for a reason. They are telling us something, and helping us move through the different experiences of life. Toxic positivity limits our ability to experience some of these states. It asks us to be only hopeful, peaceful, calm, loving, and grateful, WITHOUT being angry, disappointed, sad, hurt, and heartbroken. This is simply not possible. What may end up happening instead when one is surrounded by toxic positivity could be the following:
Not knowing how to cope with ‘negative emotions’
Questioning our own experience of reality
Dismissing own sadness and ‘negative emotions’
Suppression and lack of healthy expression of feelings
Pent up resentment and anger
Feelings of disconnectedness and in-authenticity
Eventual breakdowns and outbursts
Distancing and breaking ties with the person(s) expressing such positivity
What I often find in conversations about toxic positivity is a sort of polarization and confusion that comes with not clearly defining the terms we are discussing. It is often presumed that when one is speaking against toxic positivity, they are shunning ALL positivity, which is mostly not the case, nor how it should be. What is important to remember is that while being ‘positive’ is essential to coping and moving forward, moving through our 'negative' experiences and emotions is equally important. One cannot exist without the other, and dismissing either is not a healthy option.
Toxic positivity is a problem. Striving to experience more positive states is not. Experiencing a range of emotional states is also not. Here’s to embracing all our emotional states as they arise in us, accepting, acknowledging them, and eventually moving forward in peace.
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